what does it mean to be a bot

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It's easy to do. When you're dating you put on your best face—you're considerate, all-around; y'all let small irritations go by, you agree back on the darker sides of your past and personality. Merely the real purpose of dating is not just being expert and nice just about sorting and selecting, at some betoken being honest and real to see if y'all are both truly compatible.

But what does compatibility really hateful? What are you lot looking for to decide? Here'due south my shortlist.

Having mutual interests. Yes, we all know about complementarity, the bungee jumper hooks up with the fly-fisherman, the one who wants to traverse the Ural mountains meets the one who doesn't need to become more than six miles outside of boondocks. All this is fine ... to a point.

What happens to a lot couples when dating is they fall into dating activities—movies, concerts, eating out, partying with friends on weekends, lots of drinking, lots of sex—and downtime is essentially crashing from all this and watching NCIS marathons together on the couch. Do this long plenty, add in mutual accommodating, and you tin can current of air upwardly with a distorted view of your compatibility.

At some point, everyday life has to have concord. You lot both settle. The sex drops off a flake considering of natural oxytocin shifts, going out all the fourth dimension for dinner is besides expensive. This is where couples tin showtime to drift apart—working longer hours or going to Facebook every bit a default way of spending time—and moving towards parallel lives. Or, if already married, they tin can fill this space with kids, and go child-centered—going to countless soccer games, school meetings, and trips to the zoo.

You don't want to do this. It'due south important that y'all have a core of activities, fifty-fifty if small, that yous both honestly bask doing together and don't cost a bazillion dollars or require you to exist in an altered state of mind. These are the glue that can hold the relationship together over the long haul. Those couples that wind up edifice around children struggle as the children go out home and the center falls out. And yes, your individual interests may alter over fourth dimension, simply the challenge is to have and go along a cadre.

Common values/philosophies over central problems. Certain, Republicans practice marry Democrats, and Jews do marry Christians, just there are certain issues that you lot exercise want to exist on the same page about:

Private vs. couple time: This is about expectations and visions almost what being a couple means. Is information technology OK for me to accept a weeklong holiday with my sister? Can I throw myself into work even if that sometimes means traveling or working lxxx hours a week? Here, we're determining each partner'due south needs for alone fourth dimension, the introvert vs. the extrovert, simply also about each partner's own priorities and vision of a skilful life.

Negotiating this can exist difficult at times considering differences can easily stir upwardly each other's emotional wounds around control and abandonment (see my post Why You Tolerate What You lot Hate for more details on this). This is where the solo holiday feels like the other is pulling abroad, just as lament about piece of work travel can experience like micromanagement. All too quickly, each partner's feelings are hurt and arguments sideslip into "yous don't care, you're too enervating" fashion.

Sex: Sexual activity is most having compatible libidos, each partner'south baseline desire for sexual practice, though this volition change with developmental issues such as having children or aging. But it is besides about both partner'south needs really getting met, and being able to educate your partner by saying what you like and don't like, rather than, once again, slipping into accommodation. It is besides about values: Is sex activity virtually connection or fun, or primarily about procreation? Once the oxytocin of dating and early on union naturally fades, are your visions of a proficient sex life skillful enough for both of you?

Money: The spendthrift marries the fiscal bourgeois. There is wiggle room here but it the gap shouldn't be too broad. Basically you need to be on the same page near bottom lines and priorities—like credit card balances, budgets, and savings accounts—but likewise priorities including traveling vs. private school for kids.

Kids: Disciplinarian vs. the laidback parent. Once more, jerk room about way merely non nearly priorities and bottom lines. The biggest danger here is about polarization—"I'thousand like shooting fish in a barrel because you're and then strict," or, "I'm strict considering you're and so easy." The kids get confused and defenseless in the middle. The couple argues over whose way is right. Non skilful.

And that'south why these issues are important to iron out early. Differences can trigger power struggles over who is right and who will win. And if i partner takes the route of going-along-with, it's only a thing of time before he or she will get fed up and begin to protestation, setting off WW3. Amend to tackle at the front end end than later on.

Handling each other'south stress. Pocket-size stuff: One partner gets stressed and irritable subsequently a hard 24-hour interval, the other gets stressed and withdraws. Big stuff: Can you become through a 5-twenty-four hours holiday with in-laws or, God-prevent, dealing with a task loss or the death of a parent, and be the support the other needs?

This is nearly compassion and stepping up for the big stuff, not taking things personally for the small, not falling into tit-for-tat over who got information technology tougher. Exercise you lot each know your partner's signs of stress? Can y'all handle it without taking it personally? Do you each know what to do to assist and know what not to exercise that might brand information technology worse? Ask, speak up, don't walk on eggshells, go resentful, or await the other to read your heed.

Handling disharmonize. Couples may disagree—that's fine. But can y'all both speak up, or is one or both of you lot conflict-avoidant and always biting your tongue? Do your arguments get out of command, even become calumniating? More importantly, possibly, can you lot both recircle, return and repair, have sane conversations subsequently and actually put the trouble to residuum?

This is where couples can get stuck. They sweep things nether the carpet, or they argue, make-upward (I'one thousand sorry), and sweep things under the rug but never resolve the trouble. Problems stack up; they use distance to avoid disharmonize or constantly fight about the same things; they but talk nigh weather; they fall into parallel lives.

Supporting each other'south dreams. The notion here is that I desire to help yous be happy, alive the life you desire to live, and know that I always got your dorsum.

Feeling rubber. Without safety the ability in the relationship is unbalanced, one is forced to be less than oneself. Without condom, you substitute magical thinking—that "if I do things merely right, the relationship will change, I will get what I need"—merely in reality, information technology all at some bespeak blows upwardly.

Feeling safe is ultimately what all these other issues come downwardly to: both partners existence able to say what they call up and want without fear, without holding back.

That'southward my listing; yous undoubtedly volition think of others. What's important is to not await too long to tackle these questions. Speak up and get them on the tabular array. The risk, of grade, is that you may lose the human relationship.

Merely, ultimately, yous'll proceeds yourself.

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Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201603/what-does-it-mean-be-compatible